just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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