Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
