I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
