Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
