We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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