first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
