Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
