Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
