if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Randomize
