Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize