Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
