im having a threesome with these popsicles
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
