I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
