if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
