Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
