Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
