OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So many bounce houses so little time
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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