bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
