uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
