you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
