Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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