We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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