walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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