My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
