i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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