I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
