dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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