Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize