It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
