she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
