I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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