Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Small penises have feelings too.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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