Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
