I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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