If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
did i just pee glitter
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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