i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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