My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
