Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Shame is for Republicans.
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