why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
