Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
