the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
His hands were made for my vagina.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
