I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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