You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
