mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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