You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
that's an acceptable place to lick
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
