i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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