my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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