VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
