I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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