break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
