The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
