awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
