You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
