did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize