Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
