dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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