I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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