his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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