can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
