They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
