i can't believe i had my finger in that
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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