Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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