So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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